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About Other / Hobbyist Member JasmineFemale/United States Groups :iconblackveilbridesarmy: BlackVeilBridesArmy
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Deviant for 3 Years
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Statistics 734 Deviations 6,217 Comments 14,724 Pageviews

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My favs!
Mainly BVB and DP. Some TH and BOTDF, and FAnfic.s
BVB= Black Veil Brides
DP= Darkest Powers
TH= Tokio Hotel
BOTDF= Blood On The Dance Floor


DimitriBelikov's Profile Picture
Artist | Hobbyist | Other
United States
• REAL BVB fans- know what BVB stands for
• REAL BVB fans- don’t like the band just because of Andy [ DON'T SWEAR ]
• REAL BVB fans- know who the only original member of the band is
• REAL BVB fans- know more songs than knives and pens
• REAL BVB fans- think Chance and Andy never gets old
• REAL BVB fans- know every band members name and what they do
• REAL BVB fans- know that Ashley Purdy is a GUY
• REAL BVB fans- have made “never give in” their motto
• REAL BVB fans- know who smokes in the band, and who doesn’t
• REAL BVB fans- have worn their makeup like Andy’s on a normal day
•REAL BVB fans- would vote for lightning thunderstein if he ran for president
• REAL BVB fans- know that it is now Biersack not Six, 6 or Sixx
• REAL BVB fans- have this on their page
:headbang: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ BVB ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ :headbang:

❑ Single
❑ Taken
✔ Mentally dating a character that doesn't actually exist

Reading is a Relaxing Vacation by So-Dae Typo by fear-the-brilliance I'm Random Stamp by tonyle414 Fanfics Character Personality by NyaNyang Leo Stamp by mylastel Stamp: I'm not weird by Roxy317 So Many Books by LaPurr Sarcastic Stamp by PixieDust01 I Support Imagination stamp by c3ph31d Book addicted stamp by Amersill Hello, my name is.. by cfryant dA stamp - Writing is art, too by Valen-san Proud fanfiction writer by DBTyrana Leo Stamp by SparkLum american horror story stamp 3 by gothicmermaid13


Like... how did my life end up this way?

:bulletblack: How did I go from a person that knew what she wanted to having no absolute idea to what she even wants now?
:bulletblack: How did I go to being so lost and confused from determined to get away from my life?
:bulletblack: How did my life get even messier than before?

:bulletblack: Why does/ did my father treat us the way he does?
:bulletblack: Why does he continue to do treat us like were dirt beneath his feet, like we don't matter to him at all.
Why does my mom continue to think that my father has only hurt her?
:bulletblack: Why does she think that my sister, brother, and I are mean to her?
                :bulletblue: When i drop everything, no matter what i had wanted to do for that day and help her out...
                :bulletblue: I may get mad or tired of how shes mostly always drugged out or drunk and that shes taking advantage of people. But I'm never plain out rude or hurtful towards her.
                :bulletblue: I can't help that most of my life i have felt like i was the mother taking care of the child. Instead of feeling like the child being taking care of.
:bulletblack: Why can't i figure anything out?
:bulletblack: Why do i feel so lost?

I don't mean to complain. I know there's some people out there, that have may had it worse than i have. I know people probably hasn't even started to complain yet. But I can feel myself breaking, getting weaker and weaker with the will of seeing that future I've always dreamed of. Like I'm starting to feel like my life will always be this dark cloud hanging over my head. No matter how many times Gavin has told me he'll get me out of it. Where I'm so deep out of my family's drama and them using me (he doesn't like what they're doing) that i won't be as stressed and feeling this confused and trapped in this life.

Is this what depression feels like? Cause it sucks ass.
  • Mood: Distressed
  • Watching: The Crazies
So, we've been two months into the relationship and its been great.
He has talked about marriage and kids- Which trust me, scared the crap out of me the 1st time he had mentioned it. But i've gotten use to him talking about it. I want two kids, one of each. And he only wants one. At least for now, because hes not for sure he can handle two little kids at the same time. He wants years apart from them- since hes willing to give me two kids...
But for one of them i wanted to adopt a child first. Give a child a home, a safe home. Where we chose to love it, chose to protect and give it a life it deserves. provide the child what it couldn't have if it stayed in the foster care or orphanage (where ever). To give it a chance to see what a loving home means, to... save it.

He doesn't want that. I mean, i haven't told him why i'm so sure of myself that i want to adopt before giving birth to my own by BLOOD child. He wants to do it the 'fun' way. I mean, thats okay with me. But, i've had my mind set on adopting before i was even 14. Thats 7 years of thinking about adoption. I've had my mind and heart set on Adopting a child. And he basically told me screw myself with that thought. Like he wouldn't even answer me to the why. He just saying 'Cause i want to do it the fun way.' But thats not what i think of it. I think there is always enough love to go around, that we can/ will love a child that we didn't create. It doesn't have to be someone we created to love them. I don't want to have children when i know i can at least save one from having a horrible life. Like i've basically had.

I've basically said okay, to us creating a child. But my mind is still set on adopting. Like i want both. But he doesn't. And that bugs the crap out of me. That he didn't stop to listen to my reasoning. He asks whats wrong with his point of view, and i can't answer him. What am i supposed to say? That he hurt me, saying that? That he won't even think about adopting first. He completely shut me down. I so badly want to tell him why. And he knows if he asks, that i'll give him an honest answer. If he doesn't i don't give answers that he hadn't asked or not wanted to know.

How we got to the topic of having kids and marriage? Was when we were talking about taking the step of sexual activity in our relationship. We were talking about the pros and cons of doing so out of marriage. And we're still talking about the pros and cons. But thats my best concern. Is kids. I could care less that he wants to marry me. (Which was kind of creepy when we're only 2 months) [ Of course he says he won't even start thinking about asking me until i'm 21.... and i'm turning 20 this year...] But my point is that... i wanna adopt and every time we talk about the concern of me getting pregnant by accident (This is with protection of course) i just wanted him to know i wanted to adopt and he turns it down every single time.

It bugs me he won't give me a straight answer as to why he won't think about it. It bugs me that he seems to have wanted to make up my mind for me of not adopting. It bugs me that he won't listen to my reasoning.

And that hurts. Kids, children... are a big step and talking/thinking about it. Or at least trying, when one isn't listening fully to the other. Isn't helping. Because every time we will have sexual activity, thats a risk. And since my family is so against medication... even birth control, i can't even take those to make sure i don't get pregnant too soon. Anyways, He WANTS to get me pregnant. Hes actually told me this. Like he is ready for child(ren) and marriage. Having a family. But i'm not even 20 yet. And it kind of scares me. Sometimes, i can feed into his dreams of having a family w/o a problem. But then that can switch just as easily as me being back to scared about having kid(s) too soon. I'm not even sure how far in the future he is talking about. Sometimes he mentions after we get married, then other times he totally makes it seem like within the yr.

Anyways. the adoption situation is what bothers/ hurts me. I want to do it... like i even told him. I'll do it without his permission. And he told me i better not. Like. He doesn't fucking control me! Like WTF?! :shocked: I understand that he wants them to created between the two of us. But again. Giving a child a home. A loving home. A loving safe home. That they could come home to everyday. Is what i want, first.

But... he... won't...even... listen. :crying:
  • Mood: Hopeless
  • Listening to: It's your love- Tim McGraw
  • Watching: Non-Stop

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divergent-nephilim Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2015  Student Artist
Thanks for the fave :D (Big Grin) ! 
porcelain-hooded Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for fave sweety :D
(1 Reply)
BlackJakeRandom Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanx very much for the fave^^
(1 Reply)
GreenIceEyes Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the fav :3
(1 Reply)
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