So, we've been two months into the relationship and its been great.
He has talked about marriage and kids- Which trust me, scared the crap out of me the 1st time he had mentioned it. But i've gotten use to him talking about it. I want two kids, one of each. And he only wants one. At least for now, because hes not for sure he can handle two little kids at the same time. He wants years apart from them- since hes willing to give me two kids...
But for one of them i wanted to adopt a child first. Give a child a home, a safe home. Where we chose to love it, chose to protect and give it a life it deserves. To...to provide the child what it couldn't have if it stayed in the foster care or orphanage (where ever). To give it a chance to see what a loving home means, to... save it.
He doesn't want that. I mean, i haven't told him why i'm so sure of myself that i want to adopt before giving birth to my own by BLOOD
child. He wants to do it the 'fun' way. I mean, thats okay with me. But, i've had my mind set on adopting before i was even 14. Thats 7 years of thinking about adoption. I've had my mind and heart set on Adopting a child. And he basically told me screw myself with that thought. Like he wouldn't even answer me to the why. He just saying 'Cause i want to do it the fun way.' But thats not what i think of it. I think there is always enough love to go around, that we can/ will love a child that we didn't create. It doesn't have to be someone we created to love them. I don't want to have children when i know i can at least save one from having a horrible life. Like i've basically had.
I've basically said okay, to us creating a child. But my mind is still set on adopting. Like i want both. But he doesn't. And that bugs the crap out of me. That he didn't stop to listen to my reasoning. He asks whats wrong with his point of view, and i can't answer him. What am i supposed to say? That he hurt me, saying that? That he won't even think about adopting first. He completely shut me down. I so badly want to tell him why. And he knows if he asks, that i'll give him an honest answer. If he doesn't i don't give answers that he hadn't asked or not wanted to know.
How we got to the topic of having kids and marriage? Was when we were talking about taking the step of sexual activity in our relationship. We were talking about the pros and cons of doing so out of marriage. And we're still talking about the pros and cons. But thats my best concern. Is kids. I could care less that he wants to marry me. (Which was kind of creepy when we're only 2 months) [ Of course he says he won't even start thinking about asking me until i'm 21.... and i'm turning 20 this year...] But my point is that... i wanna adopt and every time we talk about the concern of me getting pregnant by accident (This is with protection of course) i just wanted him to know i wanted to adopt and he turns it down every single time.
It bugs me he won't give me a straight answer as to why he won't think about it. It bugs me that he seems to have wanted to make up my mind for me of not adopting. It bugs me that he won't listen to my reasoning.
And that hurts. Kids, children... are a big step and talking/thinking about it. Or at least trying, when one isn't listening fully to the other. Isn't helping. Because every time we will have sexual activity, thats a risk. And since my family is so against medication... even birth control, i can't even take those to make sure i don't get pregnant too soon. Anyways, He WANTS to get me pregnant. Hes actually told me this. Like he is ready for child(ren) and marriage. Having a family. But i'm not even 20 yet. And it kind of scares me. Sometimes, i can feed into his dreams of having a family w/o a problem. But then that can switch just as easily as me being back to scared about having kid(s) too soon. I'm not even sure how far in the future he is talking about. Sometimes he mentions after we get married, then other times he totally makes it seem like within the yr.
Anyways. the adoption situation is what bothers/ hurts me. I want to do it... like i even told him. I'll do it without his permission. And he told me i better not. Like. He doesn't fucking control me! Like WTF?!
I understand that he wants them to created between the two of us. But again. Giving a child a home. A loving home. A loving safe home. That they could come home to everyday. Is what i want, first.
But... he... won't...even... listen.